I was just a scared little girl…. I am a scared little girl. Nineteen years old and I feel emotionally distant from myself. I feel like I don’t receive enough love because my childhood did not consist of love. I wish they were more fragile and protecting of my life, yet people make mistakes. How does one forgive a loved one for something that plays over and over again in ones head? You love them, because they too felt pain, much greater than yours, you deal with the pain together. If they aren’t at that point yet then… well… patience is a virtue, you can still love them but you must protect your heart. Yet how does one protect their heart if all they’ve seen is hatred and war normalized in a household filled with innocent victims. You learn through your own self hatred that things went astray and no matter what the past will always… be the past, memories forever close, you didn’t cause these things to happen, it was just your fate to struggle a little more. Oh my, but do the small things become so beautiful to you: hugs, laughter, a smell. You are a patient person, you care so much about people who want to be in your life, even people who don’t. So here I am feeling like a scared child. I am really a strong child, just struggling with something I’ve endured at a time when I couldn’t understand that pain, the loneliness. So I feel it strongly now, which is okay, some of the best things a human can understand is compassion, sorrow, and comfort.
I feel like everything about me is getting more prominent. My hip bones, ribs, wrists, facial structure, etc. My body is thinning out, I’m growing in a way, maturing into a woman. I am discovering myself, what looks best on me, what makeup suits me. This is such an odd time in my life, figuring out what’s best for me on my own, no one is a parent figure to me. I’m sure some of you know how that feels, unimportant.
A concerned adult.
I feel weightless like a feather,
Floating into your arms of safety
Drifting away from the anchor
That pinned me down,
That kept me from love,
It damaged me,
Yet you came
Softened each strand of me
So I could float freely.
“Hey Mom, are trees living things or living beings?”
Our nine year old son looked into the forest then up at me as we hiked side by side along a gurgling brook. His dad and sister walked a few steps ahead of us. Upstream was the Glade Creek Grist Mill in West Virginia, a rustic wooden building with a pitched roof. Today its wet planks were framed by yellowing autumn trees.
“I guess that depends on what you mean by living being,” I said. “I think of a being as — ” I tried to think of words that would be familiar to him. I failed. “As a sentient being — something that has a soul.” The path was littered in gold, red, and toast brown leaves, and I kicked at a drift with my leather hiking shoe.
“Personally, I think of trees…
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If you died, would I feel your soul leave this earth?
Would I feel the strings that connected our hearts snap one by one as you drifted away?
Would you fight to stay with me… Your one true love?
If you left… Could I float away with you?
Would we see the world as we left together?
Like we always wanted to… Together…
Would our memories flash before our eyes?
Could I see you before you go?
Would you wait for me?
I know you’d want me to stay…
Would you watch over me through the clouds?
I love you so much…
Would you send a breeze my way when I felt sad?
Would you fill my dreams with your face?
Would you still love me even though you could hear my thoughts?
I don’t think I could move on…
Baby blue eyes…
I remember our first kiss like it was yesterday.
I remember all of our firsts…
I always try to remember the good, even when the bad is overwhelming.
I’ll try my hardest just for you.
I’ll be happy.
I’ll smile, always, even when I cry.
I love when we cried together.
You make me so happy, my love.
I know we can make it together because our love is strong. I don’t care what anyone says anymore. I’m going to stay with you through thick and thin. You are mine and I am yours. We’ve come all this way for a reason, a purpose. God is on our side, the Universe is on our side, the Angels are on our side.
I love you.
I have the worst trust issues in my relationship. It probably doesn’t help that he has bad trust issues too. I’ve grown up with a mom who had several affairs over time and I have had relationships where they all cheated on me… So can you blame me? Most of the time it is so stupid, like if my boyfriend likes another girls picture or follows a girl… But something happened that wasn’t okay with me. I noticed he was following a very beautiful girl on Instagram so I looked at her pictures and saw one of her doing a sexual pose, so I looked at her likes and he had liked it! So I called him and it turns out they went on a date when we were on one of our breaks before we officially started dating. It really hurt me and made my trust worse towards him. The next thing that really freaked me out was when he added me on Facebook recently, so I was browsing through his timeline and see an old picture of him and his ex kissing… But I remembered seeing her o his Instagram so I went to his Instagram then to hers through the picture she was tagged in and was looking at her selfies… He had liked every recent one and recently too. So I told him about it and we made he made an agreement with me that he wouldn’t follow any girls or like their selfies… I really did not believe him because people will do what they want no matter what you tell them. Sure enough I check his Instagram one day and he followed a new girl… I tried not to let it bug me but it really hurt me… I told him about it and he got mad which made me really angry because he went against our agreement. Then he basically confessed to “being a horn dog and thinking he is single when he really is not” my feeling hurt that he said that… I don’t even know what to do because I want to work through this.
Miss trust issues
This will be the hardest post for me… to talk about something. Itry to avoid at all costs, yet it always seems to creep into my mind and torture me. I leave for the Airforce in eight months. I have always wanted to serve my country, so people would feel safe… so that my loved one’s would be safe. After seeing all of the tragedies happen over the years, it has only made my longing stronger… I really hope that I get an amazing job and have a successful life in the military. My grandpa was the first person in my families generation to join the military, I will be the last in my generation… isn’t that ironic? I really want to make them proud, they took me in when my own parents couldnt take care of me… they gave me life and all I want to do is make them proud of me, to prove that I’m not going to ever be like my parents and that I stick to something once I start it. I also have a boyfriend… which makes me leaving even harder. We have been together for six months and I have never been more in love… we always talk about marriage, children, our house when we’re older… I feel so selfish for going to the airforce after making these memories with him… he says he will wait, but I will only be able to see him a couple times a year… I want to be with him forever… no one has ever brought me so much happiness and healed me like he has (besides God). I feel like it is too good to be true but you never know what’s in store for the future, right? Maybe he will actually wait for me… that would be true love to me. I hope I succeed in everything I do whilst in the Airforce.
One of the 1%